


Harry Potter: the bad boy, the cute guy and the totally not mary sue oc

by GenjiMachinegun



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: AGAIN Parody, Or is it parody? ;), Parody, YA, young adult
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22214377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenjiMachinegun/pseuds/GenjiMachinegun
Summary: Bland teenage girl who’s totally not a self insert somehow overthrows oppressive government while in the middle of a pointless love triangle (which takes most of the plot)
Relationships: Me - therapy, OC - Cedric, OC - Harry
Comments: 5
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey yall!1111 i gave mah very best in dis so plz coment lik an subscri... oh wait dis isnt utube, just comment den bye xoxo

I woke up on my shity ass bed with wit mesy har cuz my ma yeled at me from donstars. my beds shity cuz im poor as shit wich is totes not a way 2 insait simpafi form da audince evn tho my ations show clirly uper-mdle beavor cuz da athors suks ass at seprting form da mc.

Anyws I get ma ass up and stre at da miror. I huv gneric brwn har bron eys and my faces totes bland and not hawt at al evn tho litraly al guys say im gorges and go aftr me and any movi adapshon wil cast a botifal holywd atres 2 potrai me wich is totes not wish fulfiment form da athor.

y am i detaling my pontles borng morng rotine? fuk if i knw litrly evy1 dos it so il do it 2 cuz im anytng but original.

“modafuka im yeling fo hors fkng sloh!1111” my ma yeled angrly as she thrws mah brekfst at mah totes bland face.

“ya bitx I knw.” I repli sexili as I clen blod form mah erdrums 

“ur gona b lat 4 scewl fukng dumas!11111” my ma shoted angrly as she farted on mah totes not prfet nose like peter at meg form famli guy.

“omfg chilax bitx!1111 i can alwas teleprt or use flo poder to get 2 howrts on tim!11111” i say hotly.

“no u fkngn dumas!1111 hogwars is imune 2 thse fings!11111 u don wana brak canon!11111” my mah yelled furiosly.

in case yall havnt fking noticed my mahs super intnse and yels a lot dis is cuz shes frustrd form da fact dat were shit poor adn i huv a tragic bakstry invong mah pahs def wich il only tel wen I do somthng shity an wana insait simpafi. im descring har caraktr cuz I asume my aodince is dumy so I tel not show.

“bitx if da cursd child can do it so can i. sayonara modafuckas!11111” I say holing mah midle fingrs up

an den I telepot 2 hoguars cuz im super talnted evn tho I alws say im bland.

also im a 5 yir uflpuf wix is totes da best hose. also also da athors totes not a haflpuf an is vry imparshal.

“hi tifany rose amber heather!1” says cedric da kawai boy form ma clASS whos blashng.

tifanny rose amber hedar is mah name btw.

I wnted 2 talk 2 him cuz our relatshp has buding romantic filings in da mix but I saw mah friends ovr dere and had 2 go to dem cuz I huv sevre nid 4 socil standng du 2 my tragi baksry an told him 2 fok of.

“yo wadup hoes mc dumlydoor in da house bitxes!11111” screams hedmatr dumbador wering his tradmark shades an hedphones (lol get it cuz his da HEDmastr xddd he also gets a lot of hed 2 xddddd form guys btw cuz he gay dspit wat da boks show aprently) 

“so anyws da noo yir has stared an wil bigin wid a baqet dat I can mak exit wit mah magc!11111” sremd dumledor cooly.

“yo teach!11 if its dat esy y don u just end worl hugnr?” asked dat bitx hermine or hw I lik 2 cal har hermiwhore lol xddd 

im not pety towards har cuz she comptiton in mah love interests or anyfing lol an im totes not bitxi to odar feml karktrs 4 no reson eider. also shes totes a bitx trust me an she only acs ot of karakter cuz she hus a hedake.

“shut da fuk up hermiwhore!111 crucio!1111111111111111” shot damlydoar at har.

den she screms in pain lik a hore an evr1 laufs an poins.

“now as u al kno hogwarts is safe af despte da forbiden forst dat rom wit da 3 heded doggos wix can b opned by 1 yir stdnts a ginormos snak in a batrom a crepy incel teach cof cof snap cof cof whos abuse we compltrly alow an shit. btw im totes an imparshal hedmatr and deres da scor syst agan. ul only get ponts if u do god shit”

den hary potr whos totl a hoty <3333 snises.

“hary potr snised? 10 PONTS 4 GRINFDOR!11111” umbldor sad as he toched his u kno wut.

“hey dere tifany. id say I mised u dis sumer but dat implys bing honst wit mah filngs wix I don huv cuz im da manly luv intrst.” he sais sexily.

“o hi hary. congrts 4 da fist ponts of da yir!11” I sai shili as I bit mah lips (da uper ones u pervs!11 hentai hentai!111) 

hary must huv ben bisy dis samer. he wus tots jaked an told da durlys 2 fuk off. his abs war so difind u could use dem as wachbords his peks mad him lok lik he wus wering a bule pruf vest an his bicps war biger dan his shirt dey only dint blo up cuz of magc ok?!1111

hauevr deres no indicshon of him gong to da gym watsoevr truout da stry btw

“hi agan tifani!11 do u wana…… idk go studi 2geder afer clASS or sumthg?” sad cedric dickory who hus dis boy nex dor lok super cute an sweet an kawaiiiiiii.

“yo get of her she mine modafuka!1111” hary raised his voce and his chizled peks.

“stahp fiting 4 meeeeee!1111 shit y dos evry1 luv me despt me being plain?!111111” i shut to da skys.

in odrer 2 get mah mnd off da shit I go to clASS wid cedric <3 wix mad hary mad :(((( 

“sup modafukas?!1111 yal hav a noo clASSmat. presnt urself bitx.” sad da sexy teach.

“h-h-helo…… da names brad an i mus warn yall don b frens wit me!11111 i wus crused by vlodmtr afer he kiled mah prnts an tortud mi so naw evry1 who bcomes mah fren gets seve daiarya and den faknng dies!!1111111” the noo hawt clASSmat sais wile he cries a hole fooking lot.

da guys hol in tirs. da girls cry da fooking niagara fals an im dere like

“da foks 4 lunch 2day?”


	2. ATNAGIST APERS!111111

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> da vilan shos up an wi larn his motiv. also do urself a fav an get hi lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup yal i wuz hi af as i wrot dis   
> c ya laterz 
> 
> ....................../´¯/)   
> ....................,/¯../   
> .................../..../   
> ............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸   
> ........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\   
> ........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')   
> .........\\.................'...../   
> ..........''...\\.......... _.·´   
> ............\\..............(   
> ..............\\.............\\...

i was on mah last clASS b4 lunc (tanc fukng god) an it wuz trasfygurashon or sum shit an da teach trelony wuz kewl af.

“wadup mofos!11 2day were gana larn hau 2 tarn not bing hapy in2 bing super fukng hapi af x1000!111 any1 nos ho? cum (XD) on dere r no dum sugestons.” da teach sad cooly.

“r wi like gana turn animalz in2 caps wich is like totes usful an not abusiv at al?” cho shang or wadevar da fok her name is crid whorely.

omfg cho is suhc a foking bitx1!!!! dat ho s aluais troing harself at cedric <3 an aktin lik a slut fokng gros ew1!!! im not sain dis cuz im pety or jelas or anyfing shes totes a bitx trust me.

“no u dumy slut1!!! wil tarn duktape in2 weed MODAFUKAS!111111 les 20 ponts form sliderin 4 u bing a retard.” sad da teach.

“um like im a like a ravenclaw.” sad dat bitx wid an ey rol lik da bitx she is.

“anoder 30 ponts awai form slyderyn. Now wip out ur non wuden wonds and sai isukdikus!1111” da teach tot.

omfg I luv dis teach so fukn mich1!!! her eys r redish she weres a hedbend has cronraus smelz lik pot wers a pice sain neklas an a shity dres. 

anywaiz da clASS did da spel an al starded 2 smok wid an it wuz kewl af!111 like i fil sori 4 peeps who neva smoked it lik da fuk u doin wid ur life? an den evry1 starded 2 get al hawt an bodered an evry1 starded 2 fuk ech oder in a ginormos fukin orgi in a wite cloud. ecep me of corse cuz im supa pure gal unlik dat whore cho ugh im gedin a bad trip just of thinkin abot har ugli ass. oh an cedric 2 cuz he supa swyt an kawaii

“hey tifani!111111” sad cedric <3 hawtly

“oh hi dere cedric.” i repli sexily wid a blush.

“nou dat im hi an huv a escus 2 bing moar bold do u wana like… make out or sumfing?” he asked shili.

evn tho im not a slut lik dat bitx cho i totaly aceptd BUT JUST CUZ I WUZ HI OK?!111111 an we startd 2 make out al sexily an i felt tinglz in ma bely an sumthin hard presin agenst ma crotx wich i totes dont no wat is cuz im pure.

den hary drop kiked da dor open manlyly.

“sarprize modafukas!111 i only got here cuz da plot demanded it an uh… OH MA FUKIN GAAAAAAAAWD!11111 tifani rose amber heder!111 how could u?” hary yeled.

“omfg hary wait dis aint wat it luks like… wait y am i aktin gilti we aint datin.” hi respond sexili.

“bitx im da manly luv interst i aluais akt like u belon 2 me ok bitx1!!” he sad an den ran auai cuz he wuz gana cri an since hes da manli luv intrest he cant b sin cring.

“prof treloni-”

“bitx kal mi trel” da teach sad as she puled out a masiv dildo out of a duds shiti ass.

kan i live an tak 2 him?!111111” hi shot heroicli.

she dud da pice sin an i yeeted out.

i folod him 2 dat place were we had da banqet an so him dere brakin shit up cuz hes da manli luv interst an as such he takes out his angr in totes helty waiz.

“hary i kan esplan!1111” i shot purly.

“wazuuuuuuuup?!1111” sad a bald dude wid darc robez an GrAY skeen an a noze like 2 dikhols kinda lik vlodemotr as he shuk his massive tong an it wuz……………………….. VLODRMART!111111 DUN DUN DUN

“holi shit voldy?!1111 r u gana kil me?” azkd hary braveli cuz he aint scrad of shit an is manli so he dont cri or gat scred.

“nah bitx im over u. now me has a new matyvation…. AND IT IS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sori 4 da clifangar got tried of riting lol u hi yet?


	3. i like big fat buts an i canot lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> voldy explains stuf prat 1  
> luv yal xoxo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yal dis is totes unrelatd but u kno wat faking suks ass? wen u tak a massiv dump an wen u get up u realis u stil huv shit left to relyze but 4 sum fokin risan u just cant shit dat shit out. is dere lireali anyfing warse dan dat?!11111

“nah bitx im over u. now me has a new matyvation…. AND IT IS……… 2 get da utlimat osgarm!11111” sad voldy evuli.

“same man dont wi al hehe” sad harri manili 

“o fang dog i thot u was gona cose torulbe or sumthin.” i sad hotly

“muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!11111111 dats were ur urong tifani!111 ya c in odrer 2 get da ultimet orgams I mus sadisfi mah fetich!111” crid vlodmrot discustingli.

“is it feet?” ased hari.

“nah” repled vlodrmeont.

“is it skuizin baluns?” i sad smartly 

““nah” repled vlodrmeont.

“is it furry yiff?” sad cedric <3

“nah” repled vlodrmeont.

“gloden shouar?” sad harry

“nah” repled vlodrmeont.

“furris skwizing balwns wit deir feet as dey piss on em?” I point out bootifuly

“wrong bitxes!11111 mah fetish is……………… shit!1111 muahaha” vodrlemrot lafed.

“ew dats like da onli fing dat dosent get me honry.” sad hary like da man he is.

“hol da fok up. how cum (XD) u manadged 2 get 2 hoggy?” ased cedric <3

“duh wid polijewse poshon lol” sad vlody.

“how covneint y didnt u eva trid dat b4?” sad hari badli

“luk dont qestion it ok?!11111 anywais litsen vary careful or else yal FUKED!111111


	4. eat it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> vlotmtrs explans moar stuf an tifani slais quen al FAB!!11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi yal da titles form eat it by wierd al i atualy never herd it i just thot it wold be a fitin title lol enjoy   
> also i mis weed :(((( ive bin savin cash latly

"i came 2 hoguatrs cuz........ cuz of u tifani!111111 ur hawt af an il onli huv da utlimate osrgam if u shit on meeeeee!1111" sad vlodmrot evuli

"ew no ask an insta mdoel or sumthin" i say smratly.

"tried dat alredi but dose bitxes ar al getin shat in dubai" vlody sas uglii

"wel den......" i pul out mah wond sexili "#stupifi #flipnedo #rytcuzemprah" i shot as i pose 4 insta slefys wid dakfase. if dis shit dont get moar dan 80 likes ima delete em.

as vlodmort cris form mah srtong af spels in pan hary an cerdic <3 aslo pul out der wonds (da magikal ones u pervs!111) n we begen shotin his ass 2eder but da bois sartd copmetin 2 c whos srtongar 2 inprez moi an got mad at ich oder.

but den vlody opned his butole an asborbd or spelz an managd 2 recovr. i managd 2 snap a pic but dat aint 4 insta lololol

"muhahahahahahahahahahahaahahhaaha vary wel if u wont giv me ur shit il forced it out of u!1111111" claked voldemrit.

"ho da fuk ul do dat modafuka?!111" yeled hary al portetiv.

"sicne i forgat da spel dat etxcarts shit il just do dis..... if u dont giv me ur shit tifani il rap cerdic <3 muahahahahahaha!111" vlodemtrot lafed as thanders broke out.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT?!1111 HOW COLD U FROGET DA SPEL DAT EXRTACS SHIT WE LARNED IT IN FRIST YIR" sad cedric <3 suitli.

"fok of i bulshited mah way out of skewl ok?!1111 tifani u huv utnil 2morow nihgt 2 giv me ur shit or il asfak cedric i huv aids btw SAYONARA MODAFAKAS MUAHAHA!111111" vodemort shot us da midlefingar as he scaped form da wnidow.

"oh nooooooooo!!1111 i fond a fliter dat suted da pics much bedar fak!11 also i huv 2 giv mah shit 2 voldy i just shat an hour ago on trilonys clASS an i hate fiber wat do i doooooo?!1111" i cri selxily.

"tsokai tifani im here 4 u" sa cedric <3

"no im here 4 u." sad hary lik an animal 

but im frogeting da msot importn fing... lunch bitxes!111

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sayonara modafukas live a coment xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Wat did yal think of da fisrt chaper? :DDDD


End file.
